Slumdog Squarepants – A Review of Sorts…

So my wife and I “rented” the Slumdog Squarepants this morning and watched it this afternoon.

Yeah, yeah, I know, the hype surrounding the movie died out months ago but today, while grocery shopping, we made the spontaneous decision to check the selection in the RedBox machine.

We don’t frequent the movies — too expensive — but at the same time, we like to be “in the know” when it comes to, well, pop culture and entertainment news.

See, I know that Kris won American Idol. I also know that Shawn won Dancing with the Stars.

It only seemed fitting that we actually see the movie that just won 8 Academy Awards… including the big mamma jamma, Best Picture.

Now I don’t know about you, but I think that to be nominated for best picture, your movie should have some top notch acting in it.

This one did not.

The acting wasn’t horrible, like a soap opera on Telemundo or something, but it wasn’t exactly great.

I think the best actor in the whole movie was little Ayush Mahesh Khedekar… and he’s not even an actor!?

The acting was right up there with, hmmmm… Rocky? Yep, somehow that won best picture the year that I was born. Yo, Adrienne!!!

In fact, looking over the movies that have won best picture since then, well, see for yourself…

Best Picture Winners of the Past 32 Years

• 1976: Rocky – How did this win? Seriously…
• 1977: Annie Hall – This somehow beat out Star Wars…
• 1978: The Deer Hunter – I thought this was a bad video game?
• 1979: Kramer vs. Kramer – Never actually sat down to watch this one…
• 1980: Ordinary People – Missed this one too… It sounds kinda boring, no?
• 1981: Chariots of Fire – Can you say overrated?
• 1982: Gandhi – Yawn.
• 1983: Terms of Endearment – This terrible movie came from the executive producer of the Simpsons… I suppose this movie is alright, I just don’t like Shirley MacLain.
• 1984: Amadeus – I often confuse the movie with the Falco video. Both were pretty terrible — even for the 1980’s.
• 1985: Out of Africa – Worst. Movie. Ever.
• 1986: Platoon – Seems that once in a great while, the Academy rewards a movie with lots of machine guns. I can totally respect that.
• 1987: The Last Emperor – I’ve seen this movie at least 8 times. Each time I think that something might actually happen in it. I’m always disappointed.
• 1988: Rain Man – I’m a rarity. I hate this movie. Tom cruise is, well, Tom Cruise. Dustin Hoffman is annoying. Really, this movie is just an upper crust Bill & Ted movie — and they won an award?
• 1989: Driving Miss Daisy – Wow… I mean, really? A movie about driving an old wealthy woman around was the best movie of the year? There weren’t even machine guns in this movie… Really, if Jessica Tandy had an uzi, well, then I might understand the Oscar.
• 1990: Dances with Wolves – I enjoyed this one. But only because I slept through that whole middle section.
• 1991: The Silence of the Lambs – I guess this was a good movie. Like Shirley MacLaine, I’m really turned off by Jodie Foster (it’s her voice), though I’m not sure who could have played the character better…
• 1992: Unforgiven – Sorry Clint, you reached the pinnacle of your career in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly back in 1966. Sure, it was poorly dubbed, but it was better than this disaster of a movie.
• 1993: Schindler’s List – Who doesn’t enjoy a really good Holocaust movie? Really though, when it comes to modern movies shot in black and white, of which I can only think of two, Young Frankenstein is the better option.
• 1994: Forrest Gump – This was a good movie. A little campy, at times, but definitely worthy of the Oscar.
• 1995: Braveheart – I thought Babe (the pig movie) should have taken the crown in 1995 but Braveheart is a pretty good movie to sleep on the couch to when it’s on cable (seemingly every single Sunday afternoon).
• 1996: The English Patient – I haven’t seen this one. See, I’m the type that judges a book by it’s cover. I also judge a movie by it’s title. Or poster. Needless to say, this one doesn’t interest me at all.
• 1997: Titanic – People have asked a million times, “Why would you want to see this — you already know the ending…” True, but this was a pretty good movie. Billy Zane’s eyebrows bother me though.
• 1998: Shakespeare in Love – This one was a little too artsy for my palette. Saving Private Ryan totally should have won based on the first 10-minutes of the movie.
• 1999: American Beauty – I just didn’t like this one. It was okay, I guess, but worthy of Best Picture? I think not.
• 2000: Gladiator – Now that’s what I’m talking about…
• 2001: A Beautiful Mind – And then Russell Crowe goes from a hero to a zero. Lord of the Rings was better…
• 2002: Chicago – In my eyes, Catherine Zeta Jones can do pretty much anything she likes and it’s awesome, but this movie/musical wasn’t all that great.
• 2003: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King – The worst of the three movies wins the big prize. Go figure. I suspect that they were just making up for their mistake in 2001.
• 2004: Million Dollar Baby – Clint, you’re too old. Hilary, you’re ugly. And I don’t think I’m the only one who kinda feels sick to my stomach whenever women decide to become boxers. Years ago, I think it may have been the Holyfield/Tyson ear chomping fight, I remember thinking that the female bout on the undercard would be as cool the main event. Then, while watching it, I concluded that it was far more disturbing than entertaining.
• 2005: Crash – Really? Brendan Fraser and Ludacris? I thought Brokeback Mountain was the big movie of 2005. I was wrong.
• 2006: The Departed – Leonardo DiCaprio playing a tough guy just doesn’t sit will with me. It’s as if the Backstreet Boys re-united as a thrash metal band or something… Leo’s a good actor, I like him in most of his movies — I’m not indicating that he’s of the Boy Band mold. He’s just not the right guy for a mob movie.
• 2007: No Country for Old Men – Sorry, movies about drug deals don’t really give me that warm all over feeling. I never saw this one.
• 2008: Slumdog Squarepants – Um, you’re reading my review right now…

Even among all of those less-than-glowing reviews, Slumdog Squarepants ranks towards the bottom.

Anyway, I made it through the entire movie without losing interest or falling asleep, so it wasn’t all bad. (The subtitles were much too small though…and that gave me a bit of a headache.)

It just seemed a little bit to, I dunno, Tarantino-esque with all of the fragmented flashbacks that were often pretty violent.

The movie was trumped as the “feel-good” movie of the year — I dunno about that. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone that hasn’t seen it yet but, for me, without the big dance number at the end (that was so out of place, it wasn’t even funny), I can’t say that my spirits were lifted any.

In fact, I’m certain that my opinion of India has dropped a few notches.

I’m sure their tourism board is thrilled.

And do you think the US version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” operates the same way behind the scenes? It’s almost intriguing to think of Regis Philbin as a ruthless tyrant…

That might actually make a pretty cool movie now that I think about it…

But seriously, the movies that win “Best Picture” should be held to a higher standard. They should all be really great movies that stand the test of time and can be watched over and over and over and, well, I don’t think Slumdog is one of those movies.

But, hey, for $1.06, I can hardly complain…

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For the record, we also Redbox’ed the latest Batman movie (this overdue pregnancy thing is keeping us cooped up at home) so I can rip it apart all over again.