Better Watch Out! Jerry Springer is Coming to Town!

It’s the big news story here in Connecticut now that the “Travis the Chimp” hoopla has finally subsided.

It always exciting when your own neck of the woods makes the national news but, of late, most of the news recently has been rather embarrassing for Connecticut.

(Before the chimp attack, it was this hit-and-run.)

For the record, no, I do not personally know anyone that has a pet chimpanzee. That’s even weird for Connecticut.

But now the focus is on Jerry Springer.

See, our governor Jodi Rell, who has always had through-the-roof approval numbers (easy when your predecessor went directly to jail) but is actually a horrible governor, comes up with terrible ideas on an almost weekly basis.

And usually a week too late.

For instance, it’s damn near impossible to have a Chimpanzee as a pet in Connecticut now. Last month, though, sure, if you wanted one, you could get one if you knew the right people.

Basically, she’s a reactionary Governor with little foresight.

If there’s a big car accident, she’ll propose widening the road. Cost is no issue. Doesn’t matter that the driver was drunk — if the road had been wider, it would have saved lives. Yeah, okay…

Really, that could be her legacy… She made the roads wider to accommodate drunk drivers.

Oh, and she added runaway truck ramps because of the mountainous terrain here in Connecticut. (For the record, we have rolling hills, NOT mountains — but we have runaway trunk ramps just like Colorado does… Thanks Jodi! Those were well-spent taxpayer dollars!)

Anyway, under her rule, the State of Connecticut has offered HUGE tax incentives in an attempt to turn Connecticut into the Hollywood East. I’m not making this stuff up…

Seriously, “Hollywood East”. Yeah…

You’re laughing, right?

Anyway, the first big catch is the Jerry Springer show. Now, I’m no Hollywood expert but I do know that Jerry Springer is filmed in Chicago.

So we undercut Hollywood Mid-West?

And all we got was Jerry Springer?

Seems Connecticut was aiming a little low…

Oprah? Hello?

Anyway, right now, this “acquisition”, if you could call it that, has everyone all excited about the additional tax revenue that will be coming to our state.

I think they’re wearing rose-coloured glasses.

First off, the tax incentives offered — and their willingness to pick up and move to Connecticut even though Jerry is fighting it — probably means that they won’t be paying ANY taxes.

That, and on a personal note, I’d much prefer it if the scheduled guests weren’t staying in hotels in my backyard.

Seriously.

Based on what I’ve seen on the Jerry Springer Show, many of them are more frightening than a rampaging chimp.

Posted on March 15th, 2009 at 8:25 am by Brainy Smurf
Current Events, Rants, Television | 3 Comments »

Happy π Day!

So what did you do to celebrate?

Back in university, being among nerdy engineers pretty much 24/7, March 14 was always a date we had circled on the calendar.

While most university students anticipated March 17, we engineers did most of our drinking on March 14 and quizzed each other on how many digits we’d memorized.

Off the cuff, right now, I can still ring off “3.1415926535″.

Yeah, looking back, we were pretty nerdy.

Fast forward 13 years…

Today my wife and I spent Pi day at an 8-hour birthing class and, let me tell you, it was an experience.

We were the first couple there so we got to pick where we sat — something that’s usually a plus until you realize that it also means that you won’t get a chance to pick who you sit next to.

As couples began to arrive, a 2-chair “courtesy seat” rule was being observed, but as the room began to fill up, it became apparent that soon everyone would have to be sitting next to a stranger.

Of the 12 couples in attendance, I’m happy to report that the two couples that chose to sit on either side of us happened to be the two couples that I personally would have chosen to sit next to myself if given the chance.

They were both, I dunno, clean, modern, attractive, and personable.

That sounds really harsh, but really, I’m not sure I’d even be comfortable shaking hands with some of these strangers.

At the start, much like what I imagine an AA meeting would be like, we had to introduce ourselves (Brainy & H-Bear), say who our doctor was (the dude at THIS hospital), and when our due date was (May 19).

And then we had to describe what we “felt” in one word.

Huh?

Oh, this is going to be one of those “talk about my feelings” classes, isn’t it?

Ugh.

I chose “Anxious”.

My wife chose “Reward”.

Hmmmm… To the others in the room, those responses probably made it seem as if we’re a terrible couple.

Anyway, we watched a couple of movies much too graphic to describe here and as I scoped out the room, I realized that I actually knew two of the people?! Crazy!

If anything, since pretty much everyone in the room had the same doctor and they’ve all been going to doctor appointments on a pretty regular basis, I thought it’d be my wife that would recognize a few faces but, nope, it was me.

One guy was a guy who used to work with me over a decade ago. He got fired because he smelled.

No joke. It was a hygiene issue that cost him his job. Thank GOD he didn’t recognize me or, worse, sit next to me. I did my best not to make eye contact.

The other person that I knew actually was sitting next to me. The minute she walked in the room with her husband I immediately thought, “Oh, please let them sit next to me… Please let them sit next to me…” and then they did.

She seemed really familiar but it took me probably two hours to figure it out. I knew that I knew her from somewhere but I just couldn’t place it.

When it finally hit me, I realized that I went to high school with her brother (and her too, but she’s a good 4 years younger). She didn’t recognize me or maybe she did but either way, we didn’t say anything to one another.

So after a bit of a lecture and some gross movies, we broke out the padded mats and got on the floor.

The instructor turned down the lights and started playing this odd harp music as an eerie female voice asked us to “Picture a blue screen in the sky…” Um, okay?

This went on for a good ten minutes or so before I had to stifle my giggles.

Seriously, imagine 24 fully clothed people lying on the floor in a dark room with harp music playing and some soothing voice from above talking about an imaginary “screen in the sky.”

It all felt very, I dunno, cult-ish to me. I felt like asking when the comet was scheduled to stop by and pick us up.

After that “exercise” we had this thing that the instructor said was like a mad-lib. And it was. You know, those things were you fill in the blank words with wacky adjectives or swear words?

But the blanks weren’t where wacky adjectives would fit.

Here are a few examples:

The top of the uterus is called the ____________.
The bottom of the uterus is called the ____________.

Now, I don’t know about you, but the words that I’d guess for these two aren’t words that I’m willing to use on this blog.

They’re also not words I’m willing to utter in the company of strangers. Sure, they’re not officially swear words but they may as well be. And, as I found out, my words were wrong too.

Bottom line, mad libs are fun. This was not.

After a quick lunch break, we got a tour of the maternity wing of the hospital.

That was pretty neat.

I’d never done that sort of thing before so it was pretty valuable to get to actually see it before we’re there for real.

Then we went back to the cult-meeting room. We got back on the floor and the harp music kicked in — this time accompanied by some artificial flute noise. Yeah, it was deep.

The voice from above tried to “get us in the mood” again for some sort of out-of-body experience or something and then some breathing techniques.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many of the guys (and the girls too, actually) were lying there looking at the ceiling wondering why they were wasting their whole Saturday at this class and if anything could be more ridiculous than acting like a cult member waiting for a comet to arrive.

I couldn’t have been the only one having those thoughts – though I heard no giggling.

At the conclusion we watched another graphic movie before we were awarded with a graduation certificate. Thankfully there wasn’t a test at the end.

But in all seriousness, I can’t say that I learned anything new.

Maybe it’s just me, but the breathing techniques were exactly the same as what my track coach taught me in high school. It’s exactly what we did on the track. It’s exactly what we did in the weight room. I’m pretty sure that would be the case for anyone that took high school sports relatively seriously.

Guys, if it were possible for us to give birth, we’ve already got the breathing part down.

Really, especially for any long distance runners out there that haven’t taken a birthing class — it’s all going to be really familiar… until the harp music kicks in. Then it gets weird.

In the end though, I’m glad we went.

The most valuable part was definitely the hospital tour (which is something you can do on its own separate from a birthing class) but I’m still glad that we sat through all of the goofy movies and breathing techniques.

I may not have learned a single thing today (besides what the top of the uterus is *really* called) but at least I don’t feel like I’m missing anything either.

Had we skipped it, I think I’d always wonder if I were missing something important.

Now I know that I’m not.

(Of course I say that now… I’ll likely eat my words in mid-May.)

Posted on March 14th, 2009 at 6:23 pm by Brainy Smurf
Life, Smurfling | 6 Comments »

Sweet! I Just Got a Raise!

My paycheck just went up $30.76!

Really, I can’t tell you what I’m going to do…

Actually… Yes I can.

I’m going to spend it.

And, you know, stimulate the economy.

At first I thought it was some sneaky minuscule percentage type raise to coincide with my recent 12-year anniversary at work.

That would be highly unlikely though. In the past, raises have been few and far between. Generous, but certainly not on any sort of schedule.

Then I remembered Obama mentioning something about lowering taxes for pretty much everyone. Wasn’t that a campaign promise? I think so.

Anyway, I just didn’t think it was supposed to start until April at the earliest (or at all, frankly) but it showed up on my paycheck this past Thursday.

They’re taking $30 less from the Federal Income Tax line.

I can see it, right there, in black and white. How about that?

That’ll work out to almost $800 per year!!!

Now I just have to decide how to spend it… and, well, stimulate the economy!

Posted on March 13th, 2009 at 6:55 pm by Brainy Smurf
Current Events, Finance | 2 Comments »

Buffett: It Really doesn’t make any Difference

Amid all of the sensationalism in the media (mostly NBC) over what Warren Buffett said this morning, the one line that they should be using to calm the masses is the one I haven’t heard a snippet of yet:

“I would never have a feeling that the Dow is going to go to 2,000 or 12,000 or 4,300 or 20,200. I don’t – I know over time it will go higher but if you buy a cross section of good equities, generally well capitalized companies, you’ll make money over 10 or 20 years. I haven’t the faintest idea where you’ll be in 10 months, but it really doesn’t make any difference.”

The media makes it seem as if everyone is a day trader dealing with individual stocks…

Warren comes in and essentially asks people to wait a decade and then get back to him on how much money they think that they ‘lost’.

Seriously, unless you’re in retirement or darn close to it, what’s going on right now doesn’t mean a thing. Peaks and valleys. Peaks and valleys.

Just chill, baby…

Posted on March 9th, 2009 at 6:55 pm by Brainy Smurf
Current Events, Finance, Rants, Television | 1 Comment »

Eating Out for a Change

So we “broke from the routine” today and ate somewhere that we don’t usually eat — we’ve got this thing going where we’re trying to change things up a bit and, well, ‘discover’ the town we live in.

For our first meal out on the town we selected Chili’s — yeah, I know, really daring, huh? — partly because their television ads have such attractive hostesses but also because their food looks oh-so-good…on television

Actually, it just made the most sense — we’re going to canvas our hometown starting from the east and head west one restaurant at a time.

So we walk in and I’m hoping to be greeted, you know, like in the commercial, but instead we end up standing there for a few minutes. No hostess to be found…

I’ll admit, I was a little sad inside.

Eventually a fellow named Michael came over to greet and seat us. He was a little light in the loafers, if your catch my drift, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but he was also a little too eager to convey that, yes, he was indeed very light in the loafers and pretty damn proud of it too.

Not really being a fan of Mexican food or even the Americanized Tex-Mex variety, I knew that I might struggle to find something on the menu to suit my picky appetite.

My wife happily ordered some fajita/quesadilla platter thing and I opted for their “Triple Dipper” dinner where you get to select small portions of three different entrees.

I picked the mini-hamburgers, the chicken crispers, and the sweet chile glazed wings.

Then we waited. And waited. And waited.

I was beginning to remember why we pretty much never eat at Chili’s (or Friday’s, Outback, Ruby Tuesdays, etc…). I mean, if it’s not the line out the door just to get it, it’s the wait to get your food once you’re finally sitting down. No — I don’t want an appetizer.

So the food finally arrives and it looks pretty good. I start digging into my sweet chile glazed wings and come to the conclusion that they don’t taste like Mexican at all.

They taste exactly like General Tso’s chicken from any Chinese take-out place — the only difference is that you get less and pay more if you get them from Chili’s.

Next, I wolfed down a mini-burger.

Now maybe I’m an oddity but I like my meat cooked.

Especially hamburger. You’d think that it’d be impossible to not fully cook a burger the size of a Ritz cracker, but this thing was rare.

I should’ve known better… The last time we ate a Chili’s, years ago, I specifically asked for my Big Mouth burger to be well done.

When they brought it to the table, it moo’ed at me. No joke.

Some people may love that. I’m not one of them.

Thinking that the chicken crispers could act as a chaser for the rest of the disappointing meal, I saved them for last.

Big mistake.

If there’s one thing that I detest more than rare beef it’s mooshy chicken.

Mooshy chicken could be undercooked chicken. It could be fatty chicken. Either way, if it’s mooshy, it’s nasty. And this chicken was mooshy. Borderline gooey, even…

Seriously, how could they screw up chicken fingers?

So, needless to say, our first meal wasn’t a winner in my eyes but that’s okay, I’m not discouraged yet.

Get back to me, though, when we eat at the Ruby Tuesday’s across the street from the Chili’s…

It’s next on the list.

I can almost guarantee that I’ll have a few tales to tell about some undercooked beef on my plate.

Posted on March 8th, 2009 at 6:21 pm by Brainy Smurf
Food, Rants | 2 Comments »

CitiGroup Closes at $1.02

To me, this indicates two things.

The first, which is obvious, is that Citi ain’t worth squat and is definitely not a stock that I have any interest in owning or purchasing in the short term even if it is so affordable.

Secondly, and more important in the grand scheme of things (to me, anyway), this clearly indicates that ATM fees are much, much, much too high.

Now, I do my best to always use Bank of America ATM’s because that’s where my checking account is, you know, to avoid ever having to pay an ATM fee.

In fact, the biggest reason that my checking account is with them is because it’s tough to find yourself anywhere in the continental United States and not find a BoA presence.

But the last time that I was actually dinged with an ATM fee, it was from Citi (and then BoA for the same transaction! sheesh…) so I’ve got an old bone to pick.

It was years ago — August 13, 2002 to be exact — and CitiBank, as they were called back then, hit me for $2.75 on a $20 withdrawal.

As outrageous as that is on its own it’s even more outrageous to think that I could almost buy 3 shares of the company for a fee like that…

Posted on March 5th, 2009 at 7:19 pm by Brainy Smurf
Current Events, Rants | No Comments »

Free Phish!

Perhaps it has much to do with growing up in New England, and even though they’re from Vermont (a state at which I like to poke fun), Phish is one of my favorite bands of all time — not far behind They Might Be Giants.

As different as the two bands are, it’s shocking how much their audience’s overlap.

Anyway, Phish unfortunately broke up a few years ago and for the last few years that they were still together, they were just releasing one live album after another.

Now, I know, some people are really into live recordings and bootlegs and trading them and all of that nonsense but no one will ever convince me that a live recording sounds better than a studio album.

Especially when you listen to it with big ol’headphones on like I do.

There is no comparison.

Seeing a band live is one thing… Listening to a ‘recording’ of a band live is a whole different animal.

A boring one.

Like a mallard duck, or a beagle, or something generic like a squirrel or something…

Give me a studio album any day.

So get this… The band is getting back together for a 3-night show this weekend down in Virginia and since they know that it isn’t possible to every fan to attend (and they’re cool like that), they’re offering mp3′s of all three shows on their website…for FREE!

Yep — FREE. (for a limited time, so… hurry!)

Now I know that I just poo-poo’ed recordings of live shows but when they’re free, hey, I’ll take it.

Here’s the link.

All you have to do is register — and no worries, they don’t spam the hell out of you like other places do and once you snag your free tunes you can always opt-out and be done with them.

You heard right — when you opt-out, they really stop sending you stuff.

For real.

Imagine that.

Now I just have to hope and pray that they don’t go into a bunch of beat-less 45-minute jam sessions… Yawn…

Posted on March 5th, 2009 at 5:25 am by Brainy Smurf
Bargains, Music | 4 Comments »

Break from the Routine

Just a few weeks ago, I took a break from my weekly savings transfers that were wearing me down and it was just a matter of days before I realized that that’s all I needed to re-energize myself to continue moving forward.

So, today a guy at work walked in after lunch with one of the biggest grinders anyone had ever seen in hand.

As my coworkers ooohd and ahhhed the sandwich, I asked where he’d picked it up, he answered, and I said I’d never eaten there before.

He was surprised — he even said as much.

I felt kind of pathetic. Seriously.

Truth is, though I’ve lived in the same town that I work in for nearly 7 years, when it comes to food, I’ve rarely ventured beyond the Burger Kings, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Subways.

In fact, aside from the three or four restaurants that I frequent (and just mentioned), I’d estimate that I’ve only actually tried ten local restaurants total.

The phonebook lists hundreds of them — many of which I drive by every single day without even giving them a single thought.

That fact that they’ve remained in business all of these years should be an indication that their food and service is adequate (enough) so starting this week, whenever we have the inclination to eat out (you know, when we don’t want to make something at home), we’re going to try something new.

Maybe start at one end of town and work our way west. Or vice versa.

When my wife reads this, she’ll probably be gleefully excited. I think she’s grown tired of the old routine and would love a little but more variety.

For me, just thinking about it, well, I’m a little afraid…

I mean, I already know that I’ll struggle to find anything on the menu at that place Sammy Garlic’s. Yuck.

And some of those luncheonette places look like the type of joint that only welcome “regulars”. Or perhaps they ask to see our AARP cards at the door and then turn us away.

But all of that aside, it will definitely be a much needed change of pace and soon, when I drive through town I’ll be able to say, “Yep, ate there once… It was pretty good…” instead of blindly driving by…

I can’t tell you how many times going back and forth from university during the late 1990′s that I drove by numerous Jreck Subs in upstate New York and wondered, I mean, genuinely wondered if they were any good (and how exactly to pronounce their name)…

I never stopped.

One time, I even ate a McDonalds next door to a Jreck.

I’ve gotta break from that routine…

By the way, for any readers from upstate New York — how does Jreck compare to Subway, Blimpie, or Quizno’s?

And how do you pronounce Jreck?

Posted on March 4th, 2009 at 8:21 pm by Brainy Smurf
Life, Mistakes | 1 Comment »

Sensationalism: S&P Hasn’t Been this Low Since 1996!

It’s almost comical now that I stated that my 401k was tanking back on March 11, 2008.

That was almost exactly a year ago. I’m not sure that I imagined that it would tank this badly or for this long.

Or maybe I did.

The line I keep hearing on the news is how the markets “haven’t been at this level since Bill Clinton was in the White House.”

It’s almost as if they expect that little tidbit of info to stir up some dismal feelings or, at the very least, get some sort of reaction, but for me, well, first, the Bill Clinton presidency doesn’t seem that long ago (so it’s hardly a “wow, that was a long time ago” tingle that I’m feeling) and my memories of the mid-to-late 1990′s, financially speaking, are actually quite bright.

Things were good.

I was making a lot of money, I was living way beyond my means, and I didn’t have to worry about the “Axis of Evil” plotting against me just around every corner.

I think that most folks can say the exact same thing.

I dunno, from where I’m sitting, the media are going about this all wrong — you know, if they’re trying to sensationalize a non-story. Like they always do.

If my memory is correct, I’m pretty certain that the NASDAQ was just starting to ramp up with all of the dot.com start-ups in 1996. Politics aside, things were on the up-and-up…

I mean, if we’re really back “there” again, as they seem to be indicating that we are — if even just as a “number”, I’m really looking forward to the next few years.

The late 1990′s were very kind to me.

And I expect the next few years to follow suit — regardless of whether we’re “there” again or not.

Posted on March 3rd, 2009 at 8:36 pm by Brainy Smurf
Current Events, Finance, Motivation, Rants | 1 Comment »

Another ING Rate Drop Looming?

My account doesn’t list it in the “posted transactions” area just yet but right up top it lists the Current Annual Percentage Yield as 1.65%.

That’s another drop of 0.2 percent in just the past two weeks.

That, well, sucks.

And I’m not just talking about the drop… I’m talking about the rate in general.

Posted on March 3rd, 2009 at 6:25 am by Brainy Smurf
Finance, Savings | 1 Comment »

Net Worth Update: March 2009 (-$1,684)

Another month headed in the wrong direction but still surprisingly stronger than last month.

This is how things broke down in February:

Cash:
Same old story here. It seems that I’m constantly hovering between $1k and $2k here but I’ve just started taking steps to boost myself into the $5-$6k range for added comfort.

Savings:
Another big month. This marks the fifth consecutive month that I’ve transferred over $1000 into savings.

Now that I’ve hit the big $10000 mark, I’m going to ease off a bit but I’ll still continue to make transfers and keep things moving in the right direction.

Gov’t Bonds:
They’re still returning an awesome rate. It’d be foolish to cash them out now even if they are only earning $3-$4 per month.

401k:
Just like everyone else, I took it on the chin here. Really, what’s another 7% loss over the span of a month? But, seriously, when the markets do recover, I know that I’ll be thankful that I’ve been contributing the maximum amount allowed throughout.

Home:
Yeah, the value is still falling… But I’m going to go out on a limb and state that it’s stabilized. For me, anyway.

Auto 1 & Auto 2:
I hit the 40k mile mark on Auto 1 last night! Besides that, there isn’t really anything to report. Just the usual swing of things in progress… Mmm…depreciation.

Credit Cards:
Back down to zero. Sadly, I was hit with around $15 in finance charges this month.

Turns out that if I’d bought the baby furniture one day later, that wouldn’t have been the case.

Yeah, I was truly hoping to make it through 2009 without paying a single dime for this sort of thing and I blew it already. Grrrr…

Auto Loan:
I should stop reporting this — the last one was paid off back in September 2008.

Other Loans:
Nothing happening here.

Mortgage:
In January, the balance went down $470. This month, it went down $472. Not terribly exciting progress.

With the $10k in savings cushion, I’d really like to go back to attacking this again. For most of 2008, as I attempted to rid myself of PMI, I was knocking over $1000 off per month. I’d like to work my way back up to that again.

For March, I’m shooting for something around $700.

Posted on March 1st, 2009 at 9:35 am by Brainy Smurf
Finance, Net Worth Updates | 4 Comments »